Yesterday, I wrote an article on forgiving others that was spurred by a conversation with a good friend. The conclusion of that article suggested that it is simply more relaxing and enjoyable for you to forgive than to do anything else.
This conclusion, though, begs the question, “When I forgive, does everything go back to the way it was?”
The answer is, “No. Never. Never in a million years.” But more on that in a moment.
We first must differentiate between forgiving and reconciling, which is fairly easy to do.
To Forgive is something you can do with or without the offending party’s participation. Forgiveness is completely within your grasp. Nothing but you can stop you from forgiving.
To Reconcile is something that you both must do. It is the restoration of love, trust and friendship. To reconcile you must be able to accept your failures, their failures and whatever offenses have been (usually this goes both ways) have got to be made right. Either you or they make reparations for the offense(s) or they are intentionally forgiven by the offended party.
To reconcile, both parties must be mutually satisfied with the restoration.
Which brings us back to the question of whether or not things go back to the way they were, and my answer: No. Never. Never in a million years.
Whether or not you simply choose to forgive or are able to reconcile, you are never the same.
Forgiving instead of reconciling implies the offender hasn’t made things right, which means they haven’t earned back our trust. That relationship is never the same.
I have numerous relationships with people that I have forgiven, that are congenial and friendly, but I don’t trust them anymore. I give us all the gift of forgiveness so that things aren’t tense or mean spirited. That doesn’t mean that I am open to being taken advantage of repeatedly.
When you reconcile, on the other hand, things are never the same again either… they’re better. Like the schoolyard fight between children, we can shake hands and become best friends afterward. It takes us to a new level that is not possible without us both being honest, accepting our responsibilities and doing whatever we can to make right what we’ve done wrong.
Just by the way, Jesus (and the rest of the Bible) encourages reconciliation. Forgiveness is the second best option and only when the other person won’t participate.
![[del.icio.us]](http://images.del.icio.us/static/img/delicious.small.gif){kind=small}
Bob Cleveland
on Feb 12th, 2010
@ 10:15 am:
Good stuff. Kudos.
One of the keys to forgiveness, in my mind, was the thought that we cannot “forgive & forget”. That seems to harken back to the old teaching that God forgives and forgets our sins; which I do not find biblical.
The bible says God forgives our trespasses, and remembers them no more. That means He will never call it to mind, again. That is tremendously encouraging to me, because as my favorite Sunday School teacher explained, God forgives, and remembers as forgiven.
Hey .. I can do THAT. So .. I really do have to.
Besides, God invented the term “abundant life”, so HE also defines it. Not me. And how He tells us to live .. to be .. is a pretty good definition.
art rogers
on Feb 12th, 2010
@ 12:37 pm:
I agree, Bob. It would seem that Scripture is simply saying that God will no longer hold our sins against us, not that He chooses to erase a group of actions from His mind.
The word “forget” implies the subject being limited in both mental capacity and by time. We agree God is neither.
Elizardbreath
on Feb 16th, 2010
@ 9:47 am:
This is really good and a little confirmation for me. Several years ago, my husband and I had a falling out with a parent who does not agree with some of our life choices (homeschooling, having a large family, etc.). The relationship has not been restored but I’ve had a peace in my heart about the situation and have forgiven the hurtful actions that took place. I agree that restoration is the best-case scenario, but sometimes it can be unhealthy and even dangerous to restore a relationship that has been hurt. However, for the sake of one’s own peace, forgiveness needs to happen no matter what.
art rogers
on Feb 16th, 2010
@ 10:52 am:
E –
I think you are right. Often, attempting to restore a relationship with someone who isn’t interested in restoration only opens you up to more hurt since you come humbly and honestly to the situation, willing to admit your faults and they use that against you.
I can’t tell you how many times this has happened to me personally and professionally.
Sometimes just forgiving and moving on is the right thing for now while hoping for reconciliation in the future.
Really good thoughts.