Why I tell my teenagers “I love you” … in public …
Oct 21st, 2009 | By art rogers | Category: Family, Featured, General ChristianLast week my baby daughter – the pink princess – turned 13. She’s been moving too quickly toward this date for some time, but there is no help for it now. Both my kids are teenagers.
Serving for 19+ years in Youth Ministry kept me younger and more able to relate, but that only goes so far. It’s like saying I’m the Limburger Cheese that stinks the least.
Nevertheless, I have adopted a particularly uncool behavior to my relationships with each of my kids: I tell them I love them. All the time. In public. While they are with their friends. While they are getting out of the car on the occasion that I drop them off. All the time and in every place we happen to be.
And they don’t disappoint. In typical teenaged fashion, they bow their heads and move along as quickly and quietly as they can to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and the occasional snicker from their friends.
I know a few parents who might choose not to say this to them because it is clear they are embarrassed. The kids might even request it, which is a wound suffered deeply, no doubt.
Another slight is experienced by the parent that expects a return promise of fidelity. The “I love you, too” that doesn’t come and whose absence hangs like an offensive odor before the parent now left alone to endure it.
I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me one bit that they are embarrassed or that they don’t return my expression of affection.
I tell them “I love you” against their will and without any concern for reciprocation because I say it for them. They need to hear it from me and they need to hear it often. Who they are is greatly shaped by the confidence they are cared for and accepted, especially from their parents and especially in their teens.
So I give that affirmation to them even when they don’t give it back and I am the “uncool” Dad. I can be that, if they will be whole. Easy trade.
Sorry, Jimmy and Hannah. You are going to be openly loved and hugged and cheered for and claimed. I am unashamed. It may not be what you want, but I am sure it is what you need. So just take your medicine and I’ll check you again when you’re 20 or so.
Oh, and I love you. Always will.
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Good for you Art. We have always told our children we love them, no matter where we are or who hears it. And now they do the same.
There may be some day you can’t say that to your kids. My did never hugged or told us he loved us until my brother-in-law was killed in a plane crash. It made my daddy realize that life is short and we need to show love when we have the chance.
As one whose grandkids are now mid-20’s, I can tell you that telling your kids you love them will pay dividends, bigtime. You may have to wait a bit, but so what?
I’ve heard it said that kids remember some of what you tell them, more of what you show them, but they’ll never forget how you make them feel. And you can’t beat making them feel loved.
And who knows: when you’re not around, and some other kid razzes, them, what better testimony to love than your kids saying they’re glad their dad loves them? Who knows what that conversation might lead to….
When my children were the ages of yours, we (Janie and me) also told them we loved them every time we could, sometimes several times a day. And, like you have described the response of your children, ours were more than a little shy about returning that affection in verbage or simple emotion. I even added a little something to the “I love you” of my children’s teenage years; a kiss in the middle of the forehead, to which they were thoroughly embarrassed to receive. Until they grew up. Now, when returning to Tulsa every couple of weeks to visit my 26 year old daughter and son-in-law, she could never do without the “forehead” kiss. Neither can my 6 foot, 200 lb., 30 year old son. Funny how perspective changes. An embarrassing
kiss-on-the-forehead as I dropped them off at school a few years ago has become a staple of devotion between a father and his children.
Don’t quit what you are doing! It will, one day, be the hallmark of your affection.
Good words, Art. That is standard practice around or house too, and the interesting thing is that the youngest of the 4 boys (only one still living at home) often is the one to say “I love you” first as he heads out the door to school, says goodnight, or whatever else. That means a lot to
his parents I assure you. Sorry about the interrupted comment. Wordpress gave some kind of weird error message at the end that said I was posting comments too quickly. Never heard that one before.
Keep it up! My oldest is approaching that age too quickly, but I still tell her (and her brother and sister, “I Love You.”)