Among the established church, the true outcast is neither the Sanctified Saint, complete with “Testamints” breath freshener and “Bible Bar” candy bar made from the foods defined as acceptible in Leviticus, nor is it the truly separated sinner, whose lifestyle is so vastly different that the average Christian has almost nothing in common with them.
You might make the argument that the latter example has been outcast or even that the former example SHOULD be…
But the real outcast is the one who is emotionally needy. The slightly annoying. The one who is always right, in their own opinion.
These are the folks who get ignored and pushed to the side and sighed at and… well… tolerated.
Not much worse that someone can say about you than that they tolerate you.
What we really like is the on fire servant who is ready to go, just say when… or even the completely lost soul who can be a project. At least they have a reason to not be on fire.
The real outcast is the one we simply tolerate.
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Mike Woodward
on Apr 29th, 2009
@ 8:51 am:
Ouch.
In the last couple of years I moved from laity in a megachurch in a more affluent area to a bi-vo assoc pastor in a small/medium church in a less affluent area. Simply put, we moved from a church dominated by upper middle class professionals to a church with its fair share of poverty and many of the pathologies that go with poverty. I have to tell you that the biggest challenge in the transition for me was/is to intentionally not avoid the emotionally needy. The default position is to find a room to duck into when you see ‘em coming. I’m sad to say that it takes discipline for me not to solely seek out the crowd that has their act together.
Thanks for the reminder.
Mike
Michael
on Apr 29th, 2009
@ 10:09 am:
I don’t know. Maybe I shouldn’t admit this but I tend to prefer the emotionally needy folks much of the time. Maybe because I was more needy at one time. I don’t know. It became a running joke in college with my friends and even in my early Christian years with my wife that certain kinds of folks always seem to gravitate towards me even when I don’t necessarily want it. I even taught a BIC (Behavior Intervention Classroom) class for three years in Crowley ISD while attending seminary. It was a class for kids diagnosed with emotional disturbances and/or severe behavior problems. Talk about your needy kids.
Even after arriving at my present church I found certain kiddos in the Awana program latch themselves to me every Wednesday…kids that would have fit well in my BIC class. I didn’t mind because nobody else in the church seemed to want to have anything to do with them.
I don’t know why these folks (young and old) gravitate to me and I don’t know why I have a soft spot in my heart for them but I can tell you one thing I know. I often prefer them to “regular” folks. These folks are needy and do take up time but in my experience they are honest and genuine. If life sucks, they will tell you. I’ve never had to wonder where I stand with them or been surprised by something they were holding in until they burst. They tend to wear their hearts on their sleeves. I much prefer that to regular church folks who smile at me and complement me to my face only to find out they went behind my back hours later badmouthing me.
I have also found those needy folks are usually willing to lend you a hand when you are in need because you have helped them so many times. Other folks seem to be always “busy.”
I don’t know, maybe I am over-generalizing. They can be annoying and overbearing. And I have hidden from them a time or two but they seem to have their positives too.
Aaron Robb
on Apr 29th, 2009
@ 11:12 am:
After serving in the local church for the past 18 years, I can’t agree with you more. Your post is very convicting. So many other problems people have are easy to “fix”, but emotional neediness requires you to have genuine concern and a willingness to invest yourself in someone’s life with little hope of getting anything in return. Kind of sounds like what Jesus did in our lives, doesn’t it.
Thanks for the encouragement and conviction.
Aaron Robbs last blog post..Attack of the Underwear Monsters!
Mike Woodward
on Apr 29th, 2009
@ 12:52 pm:
Michael,
Let me be clear. I’m talking about the people who only want to puke their dismal life on you. They are not truly interested in a two way relationship with you. They are not truly interested in hearing how powerful the gospel is even after they’ve been redeemed. They don’t want you to give sound counsel from the Word of God. Now, they may eventually, but it is often difficult to get past that neediness hump.
Now, if you are talking about people who struggle, but also want to invest in your life, then I’m tracking right along with you. Those relationships are indeed ‘real’.
Mike
Michael
on Apr 29th, 2009
@ 5:20 pm:
Wow. Um. I guess I stand corrected.
Gary
on Apr 29th, 2009
@ 10:36 pm:
Ouch!
As a parent of 2 special needs kids, I feel very glad that, in my church, they are very accepted and encouraged by the members. I would classify them as being extremely needy & high maintenance, though they are getting better.
In every church, work environment, and social setting; there are those that are difficult to be around. The challenge is not to let that stop you from loving them and demonstrating Christ in the way that you behave and treat them.
I tell my son daily that if someone is bothering you, to just walk away. I tell him that because he gets frustrated and then cannot control him temper. As I was thinking about this post, I began wondering if I was giving him the correct advice. Am I not allowing him the easy “out” by not teaching him to be more accepting of different people, just as people are more accepting of him? Why am I not teaching him to demonstrate Christ by his actions
Hhmm!?
Great but painful post!
Mike Woodward
on Apr 30th, 2009
@ 8:02 am:
Clarification on the following statement:
I’m talking about the people who only want to puke their dismal life on you.
When I think of extremely needy people, these are the ones I think about. My point is that it is not my perspective that their life is dismal. It is their own perspective and they will not be swayed from it. Being screwed up does not make you a needy person. By that definition, I’m needy. Being screwed up and refusing to be transformed by the gospel (we are talking about believers) is what I define as needy.
I hate that I write in such a way that I have to constantly clarify myself. Is there some webapp available that can filter what I mean into what I write? ;)
Aaron Robb
on Apr 30th, 2009
@ 9:17 am:
Art,
Again, thanks for the great thoughts. I posted them on my blog to help my folks prepare their hearts for worship this Sunday as we focus on what it means to be a servant.
Aaron Robbs last blog post..Serving The Least of These
art rogers
on May 3rd, 2009
@ 12:18 pm:
Everyone…
good thoughts all. I was tempted to comment after every thought of yours – they were all provoking. I withheld my opinion because I have learned that it often kills participation from others, and I think you have all proved that.
Thanks for being honest about your own hearts in this regard. I can add that I was being honest about myself as well. This is often a struggle for me and one about which I have been a bit under conviction.