I spoke with Alan Cross last week. That conversation prompted this article.
You may know that Alan and Erika, along with the rest of their family, are dealing with the possible recurrence of cancer in their son, Caelan.
As I spoke with Alan, my words were pretty simple. I told him that I loved him and his family and that my family and church were praying with them. I said that our hearts were breaking with theirs. Beyond that, I kept quiet and let Alan tell me about what was going on and share where they were.
Then Alan mentioned something that had happened that always happens when things seem desperate in the life of a believer (for that matter, it may happen in the lives of unbelievers, as well). He said that he had a few people come and talk to him or call him and try to “work out their theology on him.” It has to be said that Alan is and always has been more patient and gentle than I am. He said that he just received what they were saying for the good intentions that they had and went on. I told him that he was a better man than I am.
The truth is that people often do this in a time of seeming crises. Alan is right, they usually have good intent. I think a rare few are driven by some need to be right, but the vast majority are really trying to help. I think they believe that if they can impart some wisdom to the situation and help the grieving person see things “rightly,” then the perception of this truth will bring peace.
In fact, it doesn’t.
Peace only comes with a sense of God’s Presence. Accurate understanding may, in fact, enhance someone’s realization of God’s Presence in their situation, but the time to come to that understanding is not in the middle of their pain.
Let me give you a few things I have learned about being a help to someone who is facing grief, whether their sense of devastation is from something that has come to pass or something that may yet come to pass.
1. Most people don’t want to try and work through complicated theology. If you try and explain the sovereignty of God (if you adhere to the Doctrines of Grace) or the pernicious nature of the Devil (if you trend more Arminian), they are likely to sense that you are intruding on their emotions and are forcing them to think about some abstract irrelevancy when the thing foremost on their minds is their loved one.
2. They may ask the question, “Why did God let this happen?” If they do, it doesn’t mean that they want the theological discussion that would result from a well thought out response. I’m not saying they don’t want to know. I am saying that they don’t want to deal with complexities, especially the difficult answer of the problem of sin and pain in the world that would be reduced to something that will actually sound pithy.
What they are really looking for is peace. If you could answer them in one sentence with an answer that would reveal God’s thoughts and lend them His perspective, then you would be able to give them what they want. The problem is, obviously, that you can’t do that. The truth is you don’t know why God let this happen, and your speculation would not be helpful. No matter where you stand on the problem of pain, you must admit that you don’t know the mind of God, and that should be your answer to the question.
“Why did God let this happen?”
“I don’t know…”
3. I left the ellipses after that phrase because you shouldn’t, and I rarely if ever, stop there. What they need is the comfort of God’s Presence, so when they ask this question, give them what they need with an answer similar to this:
“I don’t know, but I do know that He loves you and He loves your family. I know that you are all important to Him and that there is nothing in the world that escapes Him. This is not being ignored by God.”
4. Then you should stop. Then you should listen. What most people need at this time is to talk. They need to express their feelings and frustrations. They need sympathy. You can easily give that to them by giving them your attention and time.
Remember that at all times you, as a part of the Body of Christ, represent the person of God – imperfect though we all may be. They need His presence, and you can model it by spending some time and attention with those who are hurting.
5. When the time has passed, ask if you can pray for them. If they are willing, and most are, ask God to provide them comfort, wisdom and strength. If they have a loved one who is sick, ask God to give the health professionals guidance. If the Holy Spirit confirms with you, ask God to bring healing. (I’m not going to enter into a debate concerning “Word of Faith” theology that God wants to heal all people, especially His people. Another time and place.) Above all, ask for the family and all involved to be aware of God’s presence in the situation – that none could be in the room without knowing He is there.
Pray this last phrase for two reasons. First, ask this because you want it to happen – that all would realize His presence. Second, do it out loud with them because it helps them to picture the reality that God actually IS present in the middle of their crises.
Remember that you are there as a servant of God and of them. Realize what they really need (a sense of God’s presence) and then work hard to give it to them.
Also, though this post is not specifically about the Cross family, please allow me to ask that you continue to pray for Caelan Cross and all those that love him.
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Scott Gordon
on Feb 27th, 2008
@ 8:30 am:
Art,
Good words, all. I, too, though I have never met Alan in person had the privilege of speaking with him recently after hearing the news about Caelan. He and his family are dealing with a huge weight and need our love and support…not our theological dissertations. Having had my younger son in the hospital twice in the past year, I can tell you that I appreciated the presence and calls from church family, family, and brothers & sisters in Christ from all around.
We need to remember to pray for Caelan and his family tomorrow.
By Grace Alone,
Scott Gordon
Alan Cross
on Feb 27th, 2008
@ 8:43 am:
Thank you all for your prayers. I have learned a lot about God and myself through all of this, but the one thing that I am most grateful for is the Body of Christ that has lifted my family up before the Lord. You have no idea how much prayer means.
These are good words, Art. I would add that I always pray for healing for someone in a situation that involves sickness. My thinking is that it is my job to believe God for healing and it is up to God whether He heals or not. Often, we try and figure that out ahead of time. Let’s believe God and let Him sort it out.
I do want to make one point though, in case any of your readers, including Scott, might be wondering. I received several calls from bloggers and I will say that they all adhered to your principles stated here. Scott, Robin Foster, Tim Rogers, Wes Kenney, Todd Littleton, Marty Duren, yourself, and others were all very gracious and comforting. The people that I was refering to were not in anyway associated with the blogosphere, and overall, they were few. They had just mostly talked with me right before you and I talked, so my view was a little affected at that point and they caused me to make mental notes about what NOT to say to others, although I know that they were trying to helpful. Likely, they were struggling themselves with “why” questions. I only say that to be sensitive to the fact that someone who called me might read this and wonder if I were talking about them when I made my general statement. I would not want that burden to be upon them or cause anyone to feel bad about calling.
Thank you for posting this, Art. We all need to be aware how to effectively minister to people who are going through things like this. I am grateful that people have ministered to me.
Kevin Bussey
on Feb 27th, 2008
@ 9:17 am:
Great advice. I am praying for the Cross family too. Sometimes we just need to listen. Also, I let someone he knows who has a child know about it too.
art rogers
on Feb 27th, 2008
@ 9:31 am:
Let me just re-affirm that this post was not specifically about the Cross family or their experiences in any detail.
Alan merely vocalized a thought that inspired a post.
As with most bloggers, I like to give the background of the post for context. Also, I wanted to take the opportunity to remind folks to pray for Caelan.